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Sermon Illustrations: Pride [See Humility Too]

"Change your course 5 degrees south to avoid collision." "Change your course 5 degrees north to avoid collision." "This is the Captain speaking. Change your course 5 degrees south." "This is the First Seaman speaking. Change your course 5 degrees north." "Change your course 5 degrees south. This is the Captain of a destroyer." "Change your course 5 degrees north. This is a lighthouse."

A young girl went to her pastor and confessed that she feared she had incurred the sin of vanity. "What makes you think that?" asked the minister. "Because every morning when I look into the mirror I think how beautiful I am." "Never fear, my girl," was the reassuring reply. "That isn't a sin, it's only a mistake."

While men searched for a throne to build their kingdoms, Jesus reached for a towel to wash His disciples' feet. Doug Stringer

No matter what happens, the US Navy is not going to be caught napping. Frank Knox, Secretary of the US Navy, three days before Pearl Harbour

A swollen head is Nature's frantic efforts to fill a vacuum. W.G.P.

If I steal from my wife that's bad enough. If I steal from my neighbour, they'll call the police. But if I steal glory from God, I'm in real trouble.

Australia has long debated whether to become a republic. But for many of us, merely ditching the British monarchy isn't enough. The country is now thought to have around 20 "sovereign nations" and numbers are rising. Mainly founded by eccentrics wanting to break away from the strictures of central government, the states include the Hutt River Province in Western Australia, ruled by Prince Leonard and Princess Shirley; the Empire of Atlantium, based in the one-bedroom Sydney flat of George Cruickshank; and the Gay and Lesbian Kingdom of the Coral Sea - an archipelago of islands situated off the coast of Queensland, ruled by His Majesty Emperor Dale. Many of these microscopic states were formed for as trivial a reason as a would-be monarch getting annoyed at the local council for refusing permission to build a new front drive. It will come as little surprise that, according to constitutional lawyer Professor George Williams of the University of New South Wales, they have no legal status whatsoever. Readers Digest September 2005 p 97

Absalom's hair, which was such a source of pride to him that he weighed it annually, was also the cause of his death.

Many of us have heard of Muhammad Ali's boast that in the boxing ring he could "float like a butterfly, and sting like a bee". He knew how to brag to psyche out his opponents. But on one particular flight, he says in his book, The Soul of a Butterfly, that the flight attendant asked him to put his seat belt on. He said to her, "Superman don't need no seat belt". She smiled at him and said, 'Superman don't need no plane, either.'"

A car skidded on a wet road and hit a telegraph pole. A number of bystanders saw the accident and ran over to help. The first to reach the crash victim was a woman, but a man raced in, pushed her out of the way, and said, "Outta the way lady. I've taken a course in first-aid." The woman watched for a little while, then said, "Excuse me, but when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here."

Guests at the Ambassador's dinner party were all seated when a woman complained. "According to protocol, I should be seated over there." The Ambassador smiled politely and rearranged the seating. Afterwards, he was asked, "Doesn't it annoy you when things like that happen?" "Not really," he replied. "I realised long ago that the ones who mind, don't matter, and the ones who matter, don't mind."

Know yourself. Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. Ann Landers

In the days of John Wesley, lay preachers with limited education would sometimes conduct the church services. One man used Luke 19:21 as his text: "Lord, I feared You, because You are an austere man". Not knowing the word austere, he thought the text spoke of "an oyster man." He explained how a diver must grope in dark, freezing water to retrieve oysters. In his attempt, he cuts his hands on the sharp edges of the shells. After he obtains an oyster, he rises to the surface, clutching it "in his torn and bleeding hands." The preacher added, "Christ descended from the glory of heaven into … sinful human society, in order to retrieve humans and bring them back up with Him to the glory of heaven. His torn and bleeding hands are a sign of the value He has placed on the object of His quest." Afterwards, twelve men received Christ. Later that night someone came to Wesley to complain about unschooled preachers who were too ignorant even to know the meaning of the texts they were preaching on. The Oxford-educated Wesley simply said, "Never mind. The Lord got a dozen oysters tonight." Our Daily Bread 9th April, 2008