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Sermon Illustrations: Women


One day, spotting a lamp by the roadside, a man picked it up, rubbed it furiously, and a genie appeared. "I'll grant you one wish," said the genie. The man thought for a while, then said, "I want an amazing job. I want a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has even attempted to do." "Well," said the genie. "There's only one job for you." And he turned him into a housewife."

23% of men want sex every day, compared to only 8% of women. Reader's Digest April 2005 p 18 (Now there's a recipe for disaster!)

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they look awesome.

God made Adam first because He didn't want any advice on how to do it.

My Collection of Jokes, Quotes & Anecdotes

This was an email I received: You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves. My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again. My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favour of long skirts. Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next? When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts - stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you? THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS! P.S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband!

Three men were out fishing when one caught a mermaid. "I'll give you each a wish if you let me go," she said. "Double my intelligence," said the first man. Immediately, he began reciting Shakespeare. "Wow!" said the second man. "Triple my intelligence." Immediately, he began expounding Einstein's Theory of Relativity. "Wow!" said the third man. "Quadruple my intelligence." "Are you sure? You may not like the results." "I'm sure." Immediately, he turned into a woman.

One woman complained that her clothes were so old that they were all made in Australia.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for a man that a woman? Because when it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.


The reason the average woman would rather have beauty than brains is she knows the average man can see better than he can think. James Dobson

Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice. Bill Cosby

Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don't like flowers. I wear a scent called New Car Interior. Rita Rudner

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