educate equip enable
A Christian was talking to a soap manufacturer about his faith. "Don't think much of your Christianity," he said. "It's been around all these years and look at the mess the human race is in." At this point they passed two or three children playing in the mud at the side of the road. "What about your soap?" replied the Christian. "It's been around longer than Christianity and look at the mess those kids are in." "Ah," said the soap manufacturer, "my soap is only effective as and when applied." "That's exactly how it is with Christianity," said the Christian.
Life is like a coin. You can only spend it once, so spend it wisely.
Instructions for people who need to have everything explained: 1. On frozen dinner - Serving suggestion: defrost. 2. On American hairdryer - Do not use while sleeping. 3. Shower cap - Fits one head. 4. Iron - Do not iron clothes while wearing them. 5. Christmas tree - For indoor or outdoor use. 6. Nut packet on American airline - Open packet, eat nuts. 7. Heater - Do not immerse in bath. 8. On a blanket from Taiwan - Not to be used as protection from a tornado. 9. On the bottle-top of a flavoured milk drink - After opening, keep upright. 10. On a British supermarket's tiramisu dessert - Do not turn upside down (printed on bottom of box). 11. On a Swedish chainsaw - Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
Song by Anna Russell: I went to my psychiatrist To be psychoanalysed, To find out why I killed my cat And blackened my wife's eyes. He put me on a downy couch To see what he could find, And this is what he dredged up From my subconscious mind: When I was one, my mummy hid My dolly in the trunk, And so it follows naturally, That I am always drunk. When I was two, I saw my father Kiss the maid one day, And that is why I suffer now - Kleptomania. When I was three, I suffered from Ambivalence toward my brothers, So it follows naturally, I poisoned all my lovers. I'm so glad that I have learned The lesson it has taught, That everything I do that's wrong Is someone else's fault!
He wrecked his car, he lost his job, and yet throughout his life, he took his troubles like a man - he blamed them on his wife.