educate equip enable
Matthew Henry (1662-1714) was robbed. When he got home, this is what he wrote: Lord, I thank you that I have never been robbed before; that although they took my money, they spared my life; that although they took everything, it wasn't very much; that it was I who was robbed, not I who robbed.
A man was new in town and was at a party where he didn't know many people. As he mingled among the partygoers, introducing himself, he met someone who turned out to be a dentist. He said, "I hate to bring this up, but one of my teeth is killing me. Would you mind taking a quick look at it to see what's wrong?" The dentist wasn't exactly excited about the request, but felt sorry for the man and decided to help him out. After all, he was clearly in a lot of pain. "That tooth will have to have to come out, I'm afraid," said the dentist shaking his head. "You'll need to come to my office tomorrow and I'll extract it. That will fix the pain." Then the dentist gave the man his card. The man said, "I was worried that might be the case. How long will it take?" "Only about twenty minutes." "And how much will it cost?" "$700." The man said, "What! $700 for only twenty minutes work?!" The dentist replied, "Well, I can make it take all day if you like."
A woman had been brought up to believe that black men will hurt you. She and her husband were visiting a casino and they won a lot of money. They put it into a bucket, but decided they'd go to the restaurant. He said, "Why don't you take the money up to our room, and I'll go into the restaurant, get a table and meet you there." She agreed and walked to the elevator. When she got there the door had just opened and the only people in the lift were two big black men. She felt very uncomfortable and began to turn away. "Are you getting in ma'am," asked one. "No," she said as started to slink away. So she's now facing away from the lift. From behind she hears a voice: "Hit the floor". So she hit the floor. Money went flying everywhere. The two black men stepped out of the lift: "Are you okay ma'am? We meant hit the floor button to go to our room." They helped her pick up her money, then escorted her to her room. When she got into her room she could hear them laughing all the way down the corridor. The next day, twelve roses were delivered to her room, each with $100 dollars pinned to it. The note said, "Thank you for the best laugh we've had for a while". Signed Eddie Murphy and Michael Jordan. As told by James deMelo, 2003 Rubicon Conference, and purportedly a true story.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Kindergarten Teacher: To get to the other side. Aristotle: For the greater good. Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability. Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. Hippocrates: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas. Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it? Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. Colonel Sanders: I missed one!
Tom, Jack and George all signed up to join the police force. They were being trained by a detective who had a photo of a man. He showed it to Tom for 5 seconds and said, "Take a good look." Then he took it away and said, "What did you notice about this man? How would you describe the suspect?" "That's easy," replied Tom. "He only has one eye." "Don't be silly. It only looks as if he has one eye because it's a profile." He showed the photo to Jack. "What did you notice about this man? How would you describe the suspect?" "That's easy," replied Jack. "He only has one ear." "Don't be silly. It only looks as if he has one ear because it's a profile." He showed the photo to George. "Now think before you say anything silly. What did you notice about this man? How would you describe the suspect?" "That's easy," replied George. "He's wearing contact lenses." The detective looked puzzled. "Just a moment," he said, and walked out of the room. He checked the man's file, and found that he did wear contact lenses. Returning to the room, he said, "That's amazing. How on earth did you do that?" "It was easy," replied George. "He couldn't possibly be wearing glasses, because he's only got one eye and one ear."
Sign in Tennessee zoo: Please be safe. Do not sit, climb or lean on the zoo fences. If you fall, animals could eat you, and that would make them sick.
A little boy wandered accidentally into the women's dressing room at a swimming resort. There was a mad scramble as all the women tried to cover themselves with their towels. "What's the matter?" asked the boy. "Never seen a little kid before?"
One dog said to another dog: "What if the hand that feeds us is surprisingly tasty?"
The pessimist says, "My glass is half empty." The optimist says, "My glass is half full." The corporate-downsizing consultant says, "Looks like we've got twice as much glass as we need here."
Bear in mind: the thoughts of unhappy, anxious and depressed people contain gross distortions. Unhappy people tell themselves lies and untruths about their lives, their opportunities and setbacks, their friends and family, their luck and mistakes, then formulate a barely conscious philosophy that, since it does not conform to reality, causes them more unhappiness. It's as if they look at the world through a dark prism that distorts their view of reality. Reader's Digest July 2005 p 81
One day, a boy was alone in his back yard playing baseball. Having a great imagination, he proclaimed, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world." He threw the ball into the air, swung as hard as he could, and missed. "Strike one!" he announced. He picked up the ball, dusted it off, and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Up went the ball again. He swung and missed for the second time. "Strike two!" he yelled. He inspected his bat, examined the ball, spat on his hands, rubbed them together, and repeated, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" For the third time, he threw the ball into the air, swung and missed. "Strike three!" "Wow!" said the boy. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"
There are often two ways of looking at the same set of facts. A teacher took a worm dropped it in a glass of beer. It died. She took another worm and dropped it in an orange juice. It swam around and jumped out of the glass and raced out of the classroom at 100 miles per hour. The teacher asked Johnny, "What does that show?" He replied, "If you've got worms you should drink beer."
"We trust the Lord is on our side, Mr. Lincoln," said the speaker of a delegation of Christian people to that good man, during one of the darkest days of the American Civil War. "I do not regard that as so essential as something else" replied Mr. Lincoln. The worthy visitors looked horror-struck, until the President added; "I am most concerned to know that we are on the Lord's side."1
Once upon a time there was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and saw that she had only three hairs on her head. "Well," she said, "I think I might braid my hair today." And she did and she had a great day. The next morning she woke up, checked herself in the mirror and discovered that she only had two hairs on her head. "Hmm," she said, "Maybe I'll part my hair down the middle today." So she did and she had a fantastic day. The next morning she woke up, looked in the mirror and found that she had only one hair left on her head. "Well," she said, "Not to worry. Today I'll wear my hair in a pony tail." So she did and she had the best day. The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't one single hair on her head. "Hooray!" she exclaimed. "I don't have to do my hair today!"
When is a bird bigger than a house? When it's closer than the house. It's not really bigger. It just looks that way because it's closer. Problems can be like that. They can look much bigger than God because they are closer.
The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life. Muhammad Ali