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Sermon Illustrations: Ministry and Ministry Gifts

A man who became disillusioned with the Apostolic church backslid and then came back to the Lord said, "Apostles are not people at the top holding you down; they are people at the bottom holding you up" Derek Prince.

Pastor: "Say deacon, a mule died out in front of the church." Deacon: "Well it's the job of you ministers to look after the dead. Why tell me?" Pastor: "You're right; it is my job. But we always notify the next of kin."

A church committee was looking for a new minister. One letter intrigued them. " I have some success in ministry as a preacher, writer and administrator. But I am over 50 and have never stayed long anywhere. Sometimes I've had to leave a parish in a hurry because I cause riots. I've actually been jailed three or four times - but not for doing any wrong. My health is not good, but I've found the strength to travel far and wide. I do not get on very well with religious leaders in towns where I've preached - in fact some have threatened and attacked me. I don't keep good records - I've forgotten the names of some I baptised. However if you appoint me I shall do my best - but I will not please everyone." The committee looked at one another and gave this applicant the thumbs down. One asked "Who signed it?" Answer "The apostle Paul."

The perfect minister: A computerised survey has indicated that the perfect minister preaches fifteen minutes, condemns sin but never upsets anyone, works from 8am till midnight, and is also a janitor. He makes $60 per week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car and gives about $50 a week to the poor. He is 26 years old, but has been preaching 30 years. Wonderfully gentle and handsome, he has a burning desire to work with teenagers, and spends all his time with senior citizens. He smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humour that keeps him seriously dedicated to his work. He makes 15 calls daily on church families, shut-ins and the hospitalised. He spends all his time evangelising the unchurched and is always in his office when needed. If your minister does not measure up, simply send this letter to 6 other churches that are tired of their minister and send him to the church at the top of the list. In one week you will receive 1643 ministers, and one of them should be perfect. Have faith in this letter. One church broke the chain and got its old minister back in less than three weeks.

My Collection of Jokes, Quotes & Anecdotes

Prior to WW2 the Germans weren't allowed to rearm. So they opened a lot of baby carriage factories which were actually manufacturing parts for guns, tanks etc. One man's wife was having a baby so friends of his were bringing different parts home from the factories he worked at to make a baby carriage. One day he was looking a bit unhappy, and his wife asked him what was wrong. He said, "I don't understand it. I've put these parts together twice, and each time they make a machine gun".

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Please note that all Scripture quotations, unless otherwise stated, are taken from the New King James Version ®.
© 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.