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Sermon Illustrations: Judging


An African man was sitting next to an Englishman at a conference dinner. When the food was served the Englishman leaned over and said, "Eat! Yum, yum, yum. Good, eh?" When the drinks were served, he turned to the African again and said, "Drink! Slurp, slurp, slurp. Good, eh?" After the meal, the speaker was invited to the platform. To the Englishman's surprise, the African man, who had two Ph.D.s, spoke impeccable Oxford English, and had represented his country in the U.N. for three years, got to his feet, went to the platform and delivered his message. When he had finished, he went and sat down and as he did, he leaned over to the Englishman and said, "Talk! Blah, blah, blah. Good, eh?"

A group of primitive people was being supplied with tinned food. On the first can was a picture of a cow. It contained beef. On the second can was a picture of a corn cob. It contained corn. The third can contained baby food and on the tin was a picture of a baby. What do you think they thought was in the can?

A man caught a taxi and discovered that the driver had a bachelor's degree in psychology. He asked him if it helped him in his job. "Sure it does," replied the taxi driver. "It gives me a real understanding of why some people cut in front of me, or others speed up when I try to pass." Expecting a Freudian analysis, the man asked, "So why do they?" The taxi driver said, "Because they're jerks!"

A church committee was looking for a new minister. One application intrigued them. "I have some success in ministry as a preacher, writer and administrator. But I am over 50 and have never stayed long anywhere. Sometimes I've had to leave a parish in a hurry because I cause riots. I've actually been jailed three or four times - but not for doing anything wrong. My health is not good, but I've found the strength to travel far and wide. I do not get on very well with religious leaders in towns where I've preached - in fact some have threatened and attacked me. I don't keep good records - I've forgotten the names of some I baptised. However, if you appoint me I shall do my best - but I will not please everyone." The committee looked at one another and gave this applicant the thumbs down. One asked, "Who signed it?" Answer: "The apostle Paul."

My Collection of Jokes, Quotes & Anecdotes

The man I bought my first piano off could not look me directly in the eye, and looked shifty and dishonest. A few years later I was describing him to someone and they said, "Oh, yeah. I know the guy you mean. He's the one with the eye problem." "The what?" I asked. "The eye problem. He can't look straight ahead." The man had an eye defect that made it impossible for him to look straight at me.

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am." The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You are obviously a technical person," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me at all." The man below responded, "You must be in management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

A British rock band who hadn't had a hit for more than 15 years broke back into the charts by releasing a single under a false name, The Alarm. They said that image-obsessed DJs refused to play their music. So they put out their new song, 45RPM, under the pseudonym of The Poppyfields. In one week, it sold 4,000 copies and reached No. 28 in the UK charts. Singer Mike Peters said, "We wanted the song to be judged on its merits."


Ever noticed that anybody going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin

Light travels faster than sound. That's the reason most people appear to be bright till you hear them speak.

God Himself doesn't propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?

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