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Sermon Illustrations: Alcohol


Staggering home late one evening, a man had clearly had too much to drink. Carrying his shoes in his hands to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed upstairs to their bedroom, misjudged a step, and fell. He landed heavily on his backside and broke a bottle of whisky in each hip pocket. He only just managed to suppress a yelp, sprang to his feet and examined his lacerated and bleeding bottom in a nearby mirror. Finding a packet of Band-Aids, he tried to patch himself up before climbing into bed. The following morning, he awoke in tremendous pain and noticed his wife staring at him from across the room. "You were drunk last night," she said angrily. "That's not fair," he protested. "Why would you say such a mean thing?" "Well," she said, "Maybe it's the glass at the bottom of the stairs, but most likely it's because of all those Band-Aids stuck on the mirror downstairs."

Self-deception: An American guy bought a new Jeep Grand Cherokee, so to celebrate, he and his four friends drank a lot of beer and went duck hunting. They got the hunting dog, guns, decoys, dynamite, more beer, and drove onto the frozen lake. First they had to blow a hole in the ice for the decoys, but it was too risky to plant the dynamite and run for it. They might slip over. So they decided to toss the dynamite. The Jeep owner felt he was the best thrower, so he walked out a few metres, lit the fuse, and threw it as hard as he could. Remember the hunting dog? Born, bred and trained to retrieve. As soon as the stick left his master's hand, he tore off after it. Five men yelled frantically at the dog, but the dog ignored them, grabbed the stick, and headed back, tail wagging. His master got his gun and shot at the dog, but couldn't stop the dog with duck shot. Realising that his master is totally insane, the dog ran for cover - under the Jeep Cherokee. Moments later, there was an explosion, and the dog and the Jeep sank to the bottom of the lake.

An American hotel chain advertised for a Chief Beer Officer. The job requires that they visit breweries and select the beers for the hotel's bars and restaurants. They received more than 7000 applicants from 30 countries.

My Collection of Jokes, Quotes & Anecdotes

On TV, in December 2006, they announced that Gold Lotto had now reached $33 million. Asking people what they'd spend it on, one guy said, "$10 million on parties, $10 million on beer, $10 million on gambling, and I'd waste the rest."

The pastor of a local church enjoyed an occasional drink so the owner of a hotel offered to exchange a crate of cherry brandy for Christmas in exchange for a free advertisement in the church newsletter. The pastor agreed and ran the following message in the next issue: "The pastor would like to thank Patrick O'Reilly for his kind gift of a crate of fruit and for the spirit in which it was given."

One Sunday morning, a cop in a small town was parked at the kerb when he saw a car swerving all over the road. Taking off in hot pursuit, he pulled the driver over, and recognised him as an alcoholic named Frank. The policeman said, "Frank, you're driving all over the place." Frank said, "I'm just trying to get to church, man." Noticing a bottle on the seat next to Frank, the cop asked, "What's that on your seat, Frank?" "It's just water," said Frank. "Give it to me," the cop demanded. He took a whiff. "That's not water," he said. "That's wine." Frank just looked up to heaven and said, "Wow, He did it again."

In the second half of the nineteenth century, when the [prohibition] movement began to pick up momentum, the typical American adult knocked back ninety bottles of 80-proof liquor every year. Perry, Douglas Eliot Ness: The Rise and Fall of an American Hero p 22

You would hope that this study is wrong, but the evidence seems hard to refute. Scientists at Europe's Annual Human Reproductive Conference suggested that recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested men look at how much beer they consumed. The theory is that drinking beer turns men into women. To test this, 100 men each drank three litres of beer in one hour. Subsequently, they observed that all the men gained weight, couldn't drive, became overly emotional, talked excessively without making sense, were unable to think rationally, had to sit down while urinating, argued over nothing and refused to apologise when wrong. No further testing has been planned.

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Please note that all Scripture quotations, unless otherwise stated, are taken from the New King James Version ®.
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