Sermon Illustrations: Study

Suggested comments for student report cards: Since our last conference, this student has reached rock bottom and started to dig. His friends would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity. I would not allow this student to breed. This student is really not so much of a has-been as more of a definite won't-be. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. This young lady has delusions of adequacy. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. This student is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. This student should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless. He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier. I would like to go hunting with him sometime. He's been working with glue too much. He would argue with a signpost. He has a knack for making strangers immediately. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room. When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell. If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. Had two brains: One is lost and the other is out looking for it. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 others and made it to conception. One neuron short of a synapse. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled. Takes him 1½ hours to watch 60 Minutes. His wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.1

Randall Peterson, a retired autoworker, thinks there could be an interest for a new kind of Bible. He sarcastically says that a publisher ought to create an electronic Bible that would allow for editing from the pew. That way individuals and churches could make the Bible say what they want it to say. He says it could be called the "LAME" Bible: "Locally Adaptive Multifaith Edition" and "could be sold to any church regardless of what it believes." Our Daily Bread 27th July, 2008