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Sermon Illustrations: Marriage

Husband to wife: "How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?"


An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie.


If a child of God marries a child of the devil, the child of God is sure to have some trouble with his father-in-law.


Husband: I'm the head of the home, my wife came to me on her knees. She said, "get out from under there you coward!"


A man was talking to a neighbour and told him he got a new car for his wife. The neighbour said, "That sounds like a fair swap"


An old man neglected to assist his wife into the bus "John," she said reprovingly, "You are not so gallant as when you were a boy." To which he replied, "No, and you are not so buoyant as when you were a gal."


Does your wife pay you any compliments?" asked the curious bachelor." "Only in the winter," was the nonchalant reply." "Why in the winter?" "When the fire gets low she says, 'Alexander, the grate!'"


A couple returned from a marriage seminar which majored on communication. He said to his wife on the way home- "Now that we've learned how to communicate, shut up."


One - to arrive at the point of no more divisibility. After you are married it is no longer a division but a breaking. Juan Carlos Ortiz on the subject of divorce


Husband and wife drove a long way in silence after a terrible argument in which neither would budge. He pointed to a mule in a paddock. "Relative of yours?" he asked. "Yes," she replied. "By marriage".


A man was talking about his marriage. He said, "When my wife and I got married, we agreed on one thing. I'd make all the major decisions and she'd make all the minor decisions." Then he paused. "You know, we've been married for 28 years and we haven't had to make a single major decision".


An elderly spinster sniffed with disdain when asked why she never married. "I have a dog that growls, a parrot that swears, a fireplace that smokes and a cat that stays out all night. Why would I need a husband?"


A man went to a counsellor for advice. His marriage was really bad and he wanted out, but he wanted to hurt his wife as much as possible. The counsellor thought for a while, then said, "I have an idea. This is the way to really hurt her. For the next three months, treat her like a princess. Love her, bring her flowers, buy her gifts, take her out to dinner, do some of the housework. Treat her like she's the most wonderful woman in the world. Then suddenly, you just leave. That'll really kill her." So he did. A few months later the counsellor saw the man walking and said, "So how's bachelor life treating you." "What do you mean?" "You know. How'd it go when you dumped your wife?" "You've got to be kidding. I'm married to the most wonderful woman in the world."


A young man brought home three women and told his mother he was going to marry one of them, and asked if she could guess which one. They spent the afternoon together and he asked if she'd worked it out. "Yes. The redhead." "That's amazing. How'd you do it?" "It's easy. I don't like her."


Technical Difficulties: Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting module, limiting access to flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBL 3.0. Furthermore, Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems but to no avail - Desperate. Dear Desperate, Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpysilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3 - Tech Support.


Before Adam had a wife, he had a job. Then when he got a wife, he didn't take care of her properly, so he lost his job and his house. Roberts Riardon


They've discovered something that will prevent AIDS - it's called a wedding ring.


A doctor was lecturing on the subject of nutrition. He said, "What we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is terrible. Soft drinks eat away at your stomach lining. Chinese cooking is loaded with MSG. High-fat diets can be very risky. But there's one thing that's more dangerous than all of these, and we've all eaten it, or will eat it. Would anyone like to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After a few seconds of silence, a small, hunched 80-year-old man in the front row raised his hand timidly and said: "Wedding cake?"


A man went to a vet and asked him to cut off his dog's tail. Reluctant to perform the operation unless it was absolutely necessary, the vet asked about the reason. "Well," explained the owner, "my mother-in-law is coming for a visit and I don't want her to see any sign of a welcome."


Did you hear about the guy who went to the library and took out a book called How to Hug? He got home and found out it was volume seven of a set of encyclopaedias.


Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. Jerry Seinfeld


A derelict asked a man for ten dollars. The man said, "If I give you ten dollars, will you buy booze?" The derelict said no. The man asked, "Will you gamble with it?" Again the derelict said he wouldn't. "Then come home with me," the man said. "I want my wife to see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble."


A woman was in the frozen-foods section of her local supermarket when she noticed a man shopping with his son. As she walked by, the man checked something off his list, and whispered conspiratorially to his child, "You know, if we really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again."


Your dog's barking at the back door. Your wife's barking at the front. Who do you let in? Well, it's your call... but the dog'll stop barking when you let him in.


A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns, unlike their English counterparts are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?" The teacher did not know, and the word was not in her French dictionary. So for fun, she split the class into two groups, appropriately enough by gender, and asked them to decide whether computer should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendations. The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender (la computer) because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review, and; 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay cheque on accessories for it. The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (le computer) because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem, and; 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.


A man was nervously walking around the supermarket when he crashed into another man's trolley. "Watch where you're going!" snarled the other man. "I'm sorry!" said the first one, "I'm rather worried. I've been looking for my wife for 15 minutes." "Me too! I'm looking for my wife too." "Why don't we look for them together, then?" "Great idea! What does your wife look like?" "She's blonde, blue-eyed, big luscious lips and she's wearing a tight, red dress with a plunging neckline. What does your wife look like?" "Forget my wife! Let's go and find yours!"


A woman went into a pet shop and said, "I'd like a parrot for my husband." "I'm sorry," replied the proprietor, "but we don't do swaps."


A woman was having an affair with a pest-control man. One afternoon her husband arrived home early and found the pest-control man hiding in the wardrobe. "Who are you?" demanded the husband. "I work for Bugs-B-Gone," came the reply. "And what are you doing in the wardrobe?" asked the husband. "Looking for moths." "So where are your clothes?" The man looked down at himself and said, "Those tricky little devils!"


A couple had been married a couple of years when the wife asked her husband for some money to buy a new dress. He demanded to know why she needed one. "Because," she replied, "I'm tired of people throwing confetti at me when I go shopping."


On the wall in the women's change rooms: "My husband follows me everywhere." Written underneath: "I do not."


Most guys think that shopping is where you go and sit somewhere till it's over. And those that endure to the end shall be saved. Bernie Groendyke


Marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble is, who decides which one? Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves; after marriage the "y" becomes silent. A man is incomplete until he marries; after that he's finished.


7 Things PMS Stands For: 1. Pass My Shotgun; 2. Psychotic Mood Shift; 3. Perpetual Munching Spree; 4 Puffy Mid-Section; 5. Pardon My Sobbing; 6. Pack My Stuff; 7. Potential Murder Suspect


One man said, "I love being married. I was single for years, and I just got tired of finishing my own sentences."


A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids." Business Trader Magazine August / September 2006 p 16


A drunk walked into a hotel and sat down at the bar. After staring at a beautiful woman for a while, he wandered over and kissed her. She jumped to her feet and slapped him across the face. "I'm sorry," he said. "I thought you were my wife. You look a lot like her." "You're disgusting," she yelled. "Get away from me, you revolting, fat, horrible drunk!". "Wow," he said. "You even sound like her."


A couple were getting ready for bed one night. "When I look in the mirror," said the wife, "all I see is an old woman. My face is wrinkled, and I'm flabby all over." Her husband was silent. "Hey!" she said, turning to him. "Can't you even say something positive to make me feel better about myself." "Well," he said, "your eyesight is still perfect."


I worked out how to cure the high divorce rate in this country. Have mobile phone companies write the marriage contracts - you'll never get out of them. Buzz Nutley


A woman was talking to her neighbour. "I decided to start today with an act of selfless generosity. I gave $100 to a complete loser." "That's a lot of money to give to that kind of person," her friend observed. "What did your husband say about that?" "He said thanks," said the first woman.


Everyone on earth dies and Peter tells all the men to form two lines. In one line are the men dominated by their wives, and in the other line are the men who dominated their wives. The line with the men dominated by their wives is hundreds of miles long. The other line has only one man in it. Peter is angry. He says, "All you men should be ashamed of yourselves allowing your wives to dominate you. Look at this man, the only one who stood up like a man. Tell me, my son, how did you do it?" "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."


Husband vs. Wife: A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to break the silence. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep", the wife replied, "in-laws".


A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day - 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men." The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me. God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you."


A man and his wife were arguing about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "But you're in charge of cooking around here, so you should do it. That's your job." Wife: "No, you should do it. Anyway, it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband: "Yeah, right! Where does it say that?" So she got the Bible, opened the New Testament, and showed him at the top of several pages, that it really does say "Hebrews."


A man and his wife had been arguing and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realised that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am the next morning for an early business flight. Not wanting to swallow his pride and be the first to break the silence, he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am," and left the note where she would find it. The following morning, the man woke up, only to discover that it was 9:00 am and he had missed his flight. Fuming, he jumped out of bed to find his wife and ask her why she hadn't woken him, when he noticed a piece of paper next to the bed. The note said, "It's 5:00 am. Wake up."


Men are always asking what women want in bed. The answer is breakfast. Kathy Lette


A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh, my gosh! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out!"


Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my goodness! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my goodness! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful. CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."


Two friends were late leaving a party and were comparing notes. "It's impossible to fool my wife," the first said. "I turn off the car engine, park on the front footpath, tiptoe upstairs and change in the bathroom. But she always wakes up and shouts at me for not coming home earlier." "That's easy to fix," said his friend. "I roar into the garage, stomp up the stairs, burst in through the door and start kissing my wife. And she pretends to be asleep."


How to Make a Woman Happy: It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be: a friend; a companion; a lover; a brother; a father; a master; a chef; an electrician; a carpenter; a plumber; a mechanic; a decorator; a stylist; a sexologist ; a gynaecologist; a psychologist; a pest exterminator; a psychiatrist; a healer; a good listener; an organizer; a good father; very clean; sympathetic; athletic; warm; attentive; gallant; intelligent; funny; creative; tender; strong; understanding; tolerant; prudent; ambitious; capable; courageous; determined; true; dependable; passionate; compassionate; as well as: give her compliments regularly; love shopping; be honest; be very rich; not stress her out; not look at other girls; give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself; give her lots of time, especially time for herself ; give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes; plus: never to forget: birthdays, anniversaries, or arrangements she makes. HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY: 1. Show up naked; 2. Bring food


An email I received on BBQ etiquette: It's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion: 1. The woman buys the food. 2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert. 3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - drink in hand. 4. The man places the meat on the grill. 5. The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery. 6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another drink while he deals with the situation. 7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman. 8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table. 9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. 10. Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts. 11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off'. And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.


Here's the secret to a happy marriage: do what your wife tells you. Denzel Washington


Isn't it unfair that women love cats? Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come when you call, they like to stay out all night and when they are at home they like to be left alone to sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat. Terry Sangster


A man asked a friend the secret to his more than 50 years of marriage. He answered, "We never go to sleep angry." "That's a great philosophy," said the man. "Yes," said the old timer. "And so far, the longest that we've been awake is five days."


A new bride wanted to make a good impression on her in-laws, so she invited them to a turkey dinner. Never having cooked one before, she rang a hotline and said, "I've bought a 5kg turkey. How long does it need to cook?" Grabbing her reference book, the hotline operator said, "Just a minute." "Thanks", said the bride, and hung up.


A man went for counselling to his pastor, taking with him pages of complaints against his wife. After listening without comment for several hours, the pastor asked, "If she is that bad, why did you marry her in the first place?" Angrily, the man barked, "She wasn't like this at first!" Unable to contain himself any longer, the pastor asked, "So, are you saying that she's like this because she's been married to you?"


Of all my wife's relations, I like myself the best.


I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Sigmund Freud


Marry an orphan: You'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws. Comedian George Carlin


Shortly after getting married, a man stopped wearing his wedding ring. "Why don't you wear your wedding ring?" asked his wife. He replied, "Because it cuts off my circulation." "Well, that's what it's supposed to do," she said.


An office manager was complaining in their staff meeting that he wasn't getting any respect. The next day, he attached a small sign to his office door: I'm The Boss! Later that day, he returned from lunch to find that somebody had taken note over his sign. It read, "Your wife called. She wants her sign back."


A man was on the point of death and had been slipping in and out of a coma for months. But through all this, his wife had remained faithfully by his bedside every day. Near the end, the man came to and beckoned for his wife to come closer. She leant towards him and he said, "You know something? You've always been with me during the bad times. When my boss fired me, you were there. When my business collapsed, you were there. When I had the accident, you stayed with me. And then when we lost the house, you were there too. You know something?" "What," she whispered. "I think you're bad luck."