educate equip enable
A preacher asked his congregation, “How many of you want to go to heaven? Please stand up.” Everyone stood. “Please be seated,” he said. “Now, how many of you would like to go to hell? Please stand up.” For a while, no one moved. Then finally, one man stood up. The preacher looked at him in surprise. “You want to go to hell?” he asked. “Not really,” replied the man. “But I hated to see you standing there alone.”
A man had a dream that he had died and found himself in an elevator. On the inside panel, there were two buttons, one saying “heaven” and the other saying “hell”. He pressed the heaven button and the lift moved rapidly upwards. When it arrived, the door opened. He saw the most boring sights with people wandering aimlessly, others playing harps, and others eating tasteless bowls of food. He got back in the elevator and pressed the hell button. When he got there, the door opened and he was greeted with sounds of laughter, great music, and the sight of happy people partying and enjoying life. Then he woke up. A week later, the man died and found himself in an elevator with heaven and hell buttons. Remembering his dream, he immediately pressed the button to hell. The door opened and he stepped out. Immediately, he heard the sound of the lift door slamming shut behind him. He looked around. Everywhere there was screaming, the pungent smell of sulphur, and people experiencing unimaginable torments. Seeing Satan standing before him, he said, “Hey, what happened? Last week, I dreamed that this place was one eternal party.” “Yes,” replied the devil. “But last week you were a prospect. Now you’re a client!”
A pastor really loved hot mustard and offered some to a friend who swallowed a big spoonful. When the friend was finally able to talk, he grated, “I’ve heard plenty of preachers preaching hellfire. But you’re the first one I’ve met who actually gives out samples.”
An uncouth man met the local pastor on the street one day and said, "Now where in hell have I seen you." To which the minister replied, "From where in hell do you come, sir?"
A pastor was interrupted in a public meeting by a heckler who asked, "Hey reverend, do you believe that Lot's wife really turned into a pillar of salt?" "When I go to heaven I'll ask her," the minister replied. "What if she isn't there?" retorted the heckler. "Then you can ask her," the minister said.
A preacher was preaching on Jonah. A heckler from the crowd yelled, "How did Jonah stay alive inside the whale?" The preacher answered, "I don't know. When I get to heaven I'll ask him." "And what if he isn't in heaven?" "Then you can ask him."
The story is told about a preacher who was talking about Adam and Eve. Then he got to the part where God took one of Adam's ribs and created Eve. When he got to this part, a heckler in the crowd called out, "Aw, come on preacher. You don't really believe that God made Eve out of one of Adam's ribs, do you?" "When I get to heaven, I'll ask her." "What if she isn't in heaven? What if she's in hell?" "Then you can ask her."
General William Booth, founder of the Salvation Army, once said that if he could arrange it, he would have finished off the training of his soldiers with 24 hours of hanging over hell. Only as they knew the fury of hell could they know the value of salvation.
Morality may keep you out of jail, but it takes the blood of Jesus Christ to keep you out of hell. Charles Spurgeon
The worst two words that will ever be uttered in hell are “if only”. Allan Meyer
The distance between heaven and hell is the distance between your head and your heart. Bill Newman.
If there is no hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences. William A. (Billy) Sunday