educate equip enable
A man was caught trying to get into heaven with a sack over his shoulders. Peter said, “Hey, what’s in sack?” The man looked sheepish and replied, “As many bars of gold as I could carry.” Peter shook his head and said, “You brought pavers?”
A preacher asked his congregation, “How many of you want to go to heaven? Please stand up.” Everyone stood. “Please be seated,” he said. “Now, how many of you would like to go to hell? Please stand up.” For a while, no one moved. Then finally, one man stood up. The preacher looked at him in surprise. “You want to go to hell?” he asked. “Not really,” replied the man. “But I hated to see you standing there alone.”
A woman was dying in a poor-house. When the doctor visited, he found her very bright and cheerful. “How can you be so happy?” he asked. “That’s easy,” she replied. “I just keep thinking about the move into my heavenly mansion.”
A man had a dream that he had died and found himself in an elevator. On the inside panel, there were two buttons, one saying “heaven” and the other saying “hell”. He pressed the heaven button and the lift moved rapidly upwards. When it arrived, the door opened. He saw the most boring sights with people wandering aimlessly, others playing harps, and others eating tasteless bowls of food. He got back in the elevator and pressed the hell button. When he got there, the door opened and he was greeted with sounds of laughter, great music, and the sight of happy people partying and enjoying life. Then he woke up. A week later, the man died and found himself in an elevator with heaven and hell buttons. Remembering his dream, he immediately pressed the button to hell. The door opened and he stepped out. Immediately, he heard the sound of the lift door slamming shut behind him. He looked around. Everywhere there was screaming, the pungent smell of sulphur, and people experiencing unimaginable torments. Seeing Satan standing before him, he said, “Hey, what happened? Last week, I dreamed that this place was one eternal party.” “Yes,” replied the devil. “But last week you were a prospect. Now you’re a client!”
It was the start of a holiday weekend and the service station was crowded. Finally an attendant hustled up to the local pastor who had been waiting in line some time. "I'm sorry for the delay, pastor," he apologised. "Seems like everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a trip they knew they were going on." "I know what you mean," said the pastor. "I have the same problem in my business."
A pastor was interrupted in a public meeting by a heckler who asked, "Hey reverend, do you believe that Lot's wife really turned into a pillar of salt?" "When I go to heaven I'll ask her," the minister replied. "What if she isn't there?" retorted the heckler. "Then you can ask her," the minister said.
A man arrived at the Pearly Gates where Peter stood waiting to process new arrivals. "Okay," said Peter. "Tell me one thing that you did on earth that was purely unselfish." The man thought for a second and said, "That's easy. How about this? I was walking along, minding my own business, when I came upon this little old lady who was being bashed mercilessly by a huge bikie-type guy." "What did you do?" asked Peter. "First, I went over to his bike and kicked it over, just to distract him. Then I kicked him in the shins really hard. Then I punched him in the solar plexus with all my might, and yelled at the old lady to run for it." "That's amazing," said Peter. "Exactly when did this happen?" "Oh, I'd say about 2 or 3 minutes ago."
A preacher was preaching on Jonah. A heckler from the crowd yelled, "How did Jonah stay alive inside the whale?" The preacher answered, "I don't know. When I get to heaven I'll ask him." "And what if he isn't in heaven?" "Then you can ask him."
The story is told about a preacher who was talking about Adam and Eve. Then he got to the part where God took one of Adam's ribs and created Eve. When he got to this part, a heckler in the crowd called out, "Aw, come on preacher. You don't really believe that God made Eve out of one of Adam's ribs, do you?" "When I get to heaven, I'll ask her." "What if she isn't in heaven? What if she's in hell?" "Then you can ask her."
An Irish man got to the Pearly Gates. Peter asked him, "Who are you?" He answered, "I'm Patrick Flaherty." "And what did you do on earth?" "I was a bomber for the IRA." "Well we can't let you into heaven." "I don't want to come in. I'm here to tell you you've got five minutes to clear the building."
Three men died and went to Heaven. Peter said, "Come on in guys. I've got to show you your homes." The first got a beautiful mansion. So did the second. When it got to the third, he was shown a little grass hut. "What! Is that all I get?" "Sorry pal, but that's all we could do with the materials you sent up."
Bill Gates died and went to heaven where Peter gave him a nice house with a pool. One day, he bumped into someone while walking and noticed his nice suit. "That's beautiful," said Bill. "Where did you get it?" "I was given a whole stack of these, a mansion, a yacht, a plane, and a Rolls-Royce," replied the man. "Were you a minister or something?" "No, I was the captain of the Titanic." Bill Gates was very upset to hear this. He marched off to see Peter. "Hey, how come the captain of a boat that sank on its maiden voyage gets all of that stuff, and I, the inventor of Windows operating system, only get this?" "Well," said Peter. "We use Windows up here, and the Titanic only crashed once."
When you’re young, heaven is a distant consideration, but when you’re my age, heaven is an imminent reality. Trevor Chandler
The distance between heaven and hell is the distance between your head and your heart. Bill Newman.