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Sermon Illustrations: Heaven And Hell

It was the start of a holiday weekend and the service station was crowded. Finally an attendant hustled up to the local minister who had been waiting in line some time. "I'm sorry for the delay, pastor," he apologised. "Seems like everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a trip they knew they were going on." "I know what you mean," said the pastor. "I have the same problem in my business."

An uncouth man met the local pastor on the street one day and said, "Now where in hell have I seen you." To which the minister replied, "From where in hell do you come, sir?"

A minister was interrupted in a public meeting by a heckler who asked, "Hey reverend, do you believe that Lot's wife really turned into a pillar of salt?" "When I go to heaven I'll ask her," the minister replied. "What if she isn't there?" retorted the heckler. "Then you can ask her," the minister said.

Heaven: Latest travel information: Accommodation Arrangements for first class accommodation have been made in advance. (John 14:2) PASSPORTS: Persons seeking entry will not be permitted past the gates without having proper credentials and having their names registered with the ruling Authority. (Rev.21:27) TICKETS: Your ticket is a written pledge that guarantees your journey. It should be claimed and its promises kept firmly in mind. (John 5:24) CUSTOMS: Only one declaration is required while going through customs. (1 Cor. 15:1,3,4) IMMIGRATION: All passengers are classified as immigrants, since they are taking up permanent residence in a new country. The quota is unlimited. (Heb.11:16) LUGGAGE: No luggage whatsoever can be taken. (1 Tim.6:7) AIR PASSAGE: Travellers going directly by air are advised to watch daily for indications of imminent departure. (1 Thess. 4:17) VACCINATION/INOCULATION: Injections are not needed as diseases are unknown at the destination. (Rev:21:4) DEPARTURE TIMES: The exact date of departure has not been announced. Travellers are advised to be prepared to leave at short notice. (Acts:1:7) Church News Service

A man arrived at the Pearly Gates where Peter stood waiting to process new arrivals. "Okay," said Peter. "Tell me one thing that you did on earth that was purely unselfish." The man thought for a second and said, "That's easy. How about this? I was walking along, minding my own business, when I came upon this little old lady who was being bashed mercilessly by a huge bikie-type guy." "What did you do?" asked Peter. "First, I went over to his bike and kicked it over, just to distract him. Then I kicked him in the shins really hard. Then I punched him in the solar plexus with all my might, and yelled at the old lady to run for it." "That's amazing," said Peter. "Exactly when did this happen?" "Oh, I'd say about 2 or 3 minutes ago."

(At a college campfire at the end of a beautiful day a blind girl gave thanks:) I haven't been able to see the beautiful things you have been giving thanks for, but on the other hand, I haven't had to look at the ugly things you have had to look at... More seriously, I thank God for my blindness. You see, I have been blind from birth. I have never seen anything. My eyes are virgin eyes. And do you know what their first sight will be? Jesus Christ! I will see Him when He gives me my new body eternal in the heavens, fashioned like His glorious body.²

A preacher was preaching on Jonah. A heckler from the crowd yelled, "How did Jonah stay alive inside the whale?" The preacher answered, "I don't know. When I get to heaven I'll ask him." "And what if he isn't in heaven?" "Then you can ask him."

The story is told about a preacher who was talking about Adam and Eve. Then he got to the part where God took one of Adam's ribs and created Eve. When he got to this part, a heckler in the crowd called out, "Aw, come on preacher. You don't really believe that God made Eve out of one of Adam's ribs, do you?" "When I get to heaven, I'll ask her." "What if she isn't in heaven? What if she's in hell?" "Then you can ask her."

An Irish man got to the Pearly Gates. Peter asked him, "Who are you?" He answered, "I'm Patrick Flaherty." "And what did you do on earth?" "I was a bomber for the IRA." "Well we can't let you into heaven." "I don't want to come in. I'm here to tell you you've got five minutes to clear the building."

Three men died and went to Heaven. Peter said, "Come on in guys. I've got to show you your homes." The first got a beautiful mansion. So did the second. When it got to the third, he was shown a little grass hut. "What! Is that all I get?" "Sorry pal, but that's all we could do with the materials you sent up."

Bill Gates died and went to heaven where Peter gave him a nice house with a pool. One day, he bumped into someone while walking and noticed his nice suit. "That's beautiful," said Bill. "Where did you get it?" "I was given a whole stack of these, a mansion, a yacht, a plane, and a Rolls-Royce," replied the man. "Were you a minister or something?" "No, I was the captain of the Titanic." Bill Gates was very upset to hear this. He marched off to see Peter. "Hey, how come the captain of a boat that sank on its maiden voyage gets all of that stuff, and I, the inventor of Windows operating system, only get this?" "Well," said Peter. "We use Windows up here, and the Titanic only crashed once."

General William Booth, founder of the Salvation Army, once said that if he could arrange it, he would have finished off the training of his soldiers with 24 hours of hanging over hell. Only as they knew the fury of hell could they know the value of salvation.

The distance between heaven and hell is the distance between your head and your heart. Bill Newman.

1 Radmacker, Earl D. You and Your Thoughts